Category: Our Journey

What not to say to your anxious child (say THIS instead)

Anxiety….  UGH.

It’s a beast.

A joy stealer.

I remember when my oldest was just 6, and we were hovering together in the house in the master bedroom and away from the windows, riding out a pretty significant thunderstorm (we later found out a tree had fallen on our deck and missed the house by a few inches.)

How to help my anxious child
The aftermath of the storm.

My middle son was delighted with the storm (we were just realizing his passion for weather about this time).   Meanwhile, my daughter was crying hysterically due to her fear of storms.  And she truly thought she caused the storm because she had asked God for a rainbow (and we all know that rain comes before the bow!)

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I kept telling her we were going to be ok and she didn’t need to worry.  This did NOTHING to assuage her fears.

She was not in a logical state of mind and what I know now is you can not rationalize with the illogical. I’ve tried. Too many times.

It simply does not work.

You HAVE to meet them where they are at.

Saying, “Honey, it’s going to be fine” or “You don’t need to worry about it” simply does nothing for them.

So what should you say to your anxious child?

I’ve learned a technique that helps when one of my kids is worrying about a specific situation (this past week it was worrying about flying on an airplane, and for another kid, it was worry about jumping into the pool.)

How to help my anxious child
Right before jumping in.

This technique is very simple and I’ve heard about it multiple times from different speakers, books I’ve read and parenting classes. (including but not limited to Why Smart Kids Worry, Start With the Heart, and the Connected Families parenting course).

The key is connect first.

Acknowledge their feelings. “Wow, I can tell you’re worried about _________.”  OR, “you’re feeling sad because __________”.

You reflect back to them how they’re feeling.

And it completely works!

It may not make the worry go away, but it allows them to feel heard and diffuses the situation.   Reflecting back to them how they feel also helps them recognize their own emotions, and raises their emotional intelligence.

Now, this won’t necessarily make their worry go away completely but it is a better response than “Don’t worry” or “It’s going to be fine” and sometimes it will be enough for them to get out of their stuck pattern of thinking in that moment.

If you have an anxious kiddo, one book that I highly recommend is Why Smart Kids Worry.  It gives SO many examples of tools to help your anxious kids succeed.

How to help my anxious child

The reality is most anxious kids have active brains and are always going to have something to worry about.  This simple technique of reflecting back to them how they feel has helped me with my anxious kids.

If you’re looking for a way to help your anxious child, I suggest giving this technique a try.  It may help you too!

What tools have helped your anxious kiddo?  I’d love to hear what’s worked for you!


 

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Motivation: A Necessary Tool for Learning

Motivation.  It’s key.  Necessary for learning AND life.

Have you ever known someone who barely made it through high school, or even college, but then went on to be very successful in their life? I would venture to guess it happens quite often. But why?

motivation tool for learning

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Motivation: A Necessary Tool For Learning.

When one is forced to learn something that they have no interest or aptitude in, there is not going to be much desire to learn. There may be a desire to make the grade (I was this kid!) but the information will not be retained.

When there is freedom in the choice of what/how to study, there is more ownership and motivation. Here, true learning can occur.

I liken it to the motorized walkway at the airport.  Sure, we don’t NEED to take it (unless we’re in a real hurry!), but WOW, does it move us along faster!

I feel this way with my kids much of the time.  When I ride the wave of learning, I (or my kids) don’t have to exert extra energy. Their motivation serves as a tool, or a helper, in their learning.  There are still things I require of them of course, regardless of motivation, but it certainly is helpful to use whatever inspires them, when I can.

Do you ever feel like you’re playing tug of war with your kids?

Do you feel like you’re cattle prodding them to get their work done?  Oh boy, do I!  It does me well to read inspirational quotes or books to remind me of the advantages of homeschooling and having the freedom to let my kids follow their interests.

If you want a great book on this topic I urge you to check out “Passion Driven Education.”

“Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire.”

It’s not a science, it’s an art.  And what helps me most is taking the time to study and observe my kids.

What makes them tick?

What do they talk about?

Does anything get them excited?

How can I light that fire?

Hitting a Wall in Our Homeschool

Recently, I’ve felt like we’ve hit a bit of a wall with my oldest.  Her newest thing is Minecraft.  As a creative learner, she loves building things and is always thinking up new things to make.  She has expressed wanting to be a marketplace creator (the people who make things to sell in the Minecraft Marketplace).

Since Minecraft is what gets her excited these days, I’ve been looking up ideas to use Minecraft as a tool for learning.  After all, it’s her moving walkway (at least, currently).  Thankfully I’ve found some solutions where we can tie what we’re studying in with Minecraft.  Thank you, GamEd Academy!

Now that isn’t ALL she does, BUT she is very excited when playing Minecraft and I have no doubt when she is building historical landmarks in Minecraft, she is retaining more about those landmarks than me teaching it in other ways.

That’s not to say we won’t utilize other ways of learning too (if you’ve been here long enough, you know living books are one of my favorite ways of learning history), but allowing her some time to show her knowledge by doing a “build” in Minecraft is very gratifying for her.

And with my other kids too, when I tie in things they love and have interest in, there is so much more buy-in for their learning.  Because then the learning itself is motivating to them.  And I’ve played a part in “lighting their fire”.


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The Beauty in Being a Beginner

This summer I’ve been reading through Emily Freeman’s book: The Next Right Thing: A Simple, Soulful Practice for Making Life Decisions.  One of her chapters is titled ‘Be a Beginner.’ The gist of the chapter is it’s okay to be new at something and to admit you don’t have all the answers.

I so related to this chapter! Though I’ve now been blogging for one year, I still very much feel like a beginner in the blogosphere. There’s so much to learn when starting a blog… between SEO, website design, creating graphics and much more.

If I knew the mountain of information there was to learn about blogging when I first set out on this journey, I may have thrown in the towel. So I’m thankful I took that first step, and let myself be a beginner.

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Along with just celebrating my one-year blogiversary, we also recently hit the three-year mark of living in our new home (and state).

Shortly after we moved, I remember someone telling me it takes 3 years to get acclimated and for lack of a better term “not feel like a beginner”.  I found that discouraging at the time, but it was helpful advice nonetheless.

Whenever I would feel disappointed that we weren’t plugging in as fast we would’ve liked to, I was able to remind myself… “three years.”  And the crazy thing is, it was so true! We are just now starting to feel not so “green” in our new surroundings.

And as much as it would have been amazing to skip this process of “being the new kid in town”, or for any time when something is new, I think there are valuable lessons to be learned while “being a beginner.”

The power of yet…

This past year I had my kids do an exercise called the “Power of Yet”. They had to think of and draw pictures in comic strip form, of something they were able to do that at one point they weren’t able to do.  One chose learning to swim, and one chose learning to read.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This was a POWERFUL exercise that I still remind them of often because it teaches something that is so true.  You have to be a beginner FIRST.

It’s part of the process.

And can’t we all think of thing of “power of yet” instances in our lives?

I know I can!

I think back to a few times when I felt REALLY green…

My first job (McDonald’s),

my student teaching experience,

working at a bakery when I really didn’t have any baking experience (there may have been one time I used pounds of flour rather than cups! Oops!),

parenting,

cooking,

and too many more to name.

It takes time to learn new things. When we approach new situations this way, with the anticipation that it will take time, we can give ourselves some grace, and breathe a little.

Being a beginner grows our empathy & humility

For instance, our move to Wisconsin has helped everyone in our family better be able to relate to people that may be new in town, new on the job, new on the team, etc.

It has grown our ability to empathize with others.

When we’re beginners, there’s so much for us to learn.  We don’t “know it all.”

Being a beginner forces us to be in teachable mode rather than expert mode.

Being a beginner is good for our kids to witness.

When our kids see us being beginners, there is a powerful lesson at play. We show that one can always learn new things and that you don’t need to be boxed into what you’ve always done.

And that even though it’s scary, being a beginner is part of the process.

When we learn something new, we are showing our kids what it is to be a lifelong learner, and that there is joy in learning new things.

We show that learning doesn’t stop.  That can apply to anything… blogging, Bible Study, gardening, cooking, painting, learning a new sport, etc. etc..

And it’s OKAY that it may take time to learn that new thing.

Is there something new you want to try?

Go ahead, try it!  And allow yourself to be a beginner.


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Please stop telling me to enjoy every moment.

Dear Well-Meaning Person,

You tell me to enjoy every moment because they “grow up so fast.”  I know you mean well, really I do. And maybe you’re giving me this advice because you wish someone had given it to you.

I’m thankful for your heart and good intentions, but I’d like to make a request.

Can you please please PLEASE stop telling me to enjoy every moment?

When you impart those seemingly innocent words, it thrusts me into panic mode.

My heart starts racing, and I start analyzing what more I need to do to “enjoy every moment.”

You see, I actually think about this every day.  I realize with every breath I take the days are going by quickly.  That the “days go by slow, but the years go by fast.”

And it’s paralyzing.

Paralyzing because I want to do everything “just right.”

Paralyzing because I struggle with perfectionism and wanting to make the most of every opportunity.

Paralyzing because I lament over the difficult years which sometimes feel like years lost,  years in which I spent countless hours helping my kids with their various special and additional needs.  (Please know I understand the years were NOT lost, and I’m thankful God gave me the kids I have, and for how He has grown me over these years. This is not lost on me.)

So, well-meaning person, I get what you’re saying and I appreciate your heart.  But maybe, just maybe, you could simply remind to be thankful for the blessings that my children are.

To be content and present in today.

If you could do that, I would be ever so grateful.

 

Sincerely,

A mom doing her best to live in the moment

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Strengths-Based Homeschool (not just for the kids!)

I originally wanted to title this post “I thought I was doing a good job homeschooling until I joined Instagram.”

I joined Instagram last fall but didn’t really understand how to use it until a couple of months ago, when I decided it would be a good place to meet other homeschoolers and also share my blog.   Now that I’ve been using Instagram, I love it, but I have noticed a not so pleasant feeling that bubbles up within me occasionally…

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Comparison Trap

When my son was two, we found out he was delayed in many areas.  For that reason, I would sometimes find Facebook painful.

People posting all these things of what their kids were doing struck me like a dagger.  It reminded me that my kid wasn’t up to par.

Thankfully God’s brought me a long way in this and I am continually growing in seeing my child through the lens of what he CAN do rather than what he can’t.

But these days, especially on Instagram, I struggle with comparisons of a different sort.  A lot of what I see posted are ideas that I just love and can’t wait to try with my own kids.

See, I’m an opportunist, and Instagram allows me to see what hundreds of other homeschoolers are doing.   So many cool opportunities!

However,

the excited opportunist in me +

my perfectionist tendencies of wanting to find the perfect learning opportunity +

endless opportunities = PARALYSIS.

And I find myself thinking I’m not doing enough in my homeschool and that I need to do things more like so an so (such a lie – not just for homeschool moms but ALL moms).

Also, I know most of the ideas in my feed won’t be enjoyed by my creative child, who tends to enjoy doing her own thing.

This got me thinking… I need to get back to our family basics and remember how we became outside the box learners.

Working your “Mom-Strengths” so you can thrive in your homeschool

As someone who totally believes in following kids’ passions to help them bloom, I’m realizing how much MY OWN passions and interests also matter in our homeschool.

When I’m excited about something, there is at least some interest from the kids.  It’s contagious.

A few examples… I love doing crazy fun voices during read-aloud and therefore my kids generally enjoy read-aloud. Music moves me, and therefore if I sit down at the piano, my daughter will join me adding in harmonies in a higher key(that’s a real treat for me!).  I’m a nature lover so I have an innate wonder of God’s creation that rubs off on my kids.

Craft extraordinaire I AM NOT. Thank goodness for subscription boxes!  Our current box of choice is the Toucan Crate.

If I’m doing a special project or activity (that I’ve seen on Instagram or Pinterest) because I’m thinking my kids SHOULD like it, I often get pushback, and then I feel drained.

However, if I already enjoy something I don’t have to manufacture enthusiasm.  I love the idea of hands-on projects but in reality, it’s not my strength.  We still do crafty stuff just not every day. And usually, it’s if my kids request it.

Include things your kids love and what’s important to you.

If you’re enthusiastic about something there’s a strong chance that it might ignite interest in your kids.

Obviously, you still need to get the main things done (reading, writing, ‘rithmetic).

But include things you like, too…

Read a book (or two…. or ten!) that was a favorite from your own childhood.

Recognize what lights your fire and infuse some of that into your homeschool.


 

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Compromising With Your Creative Child to Create Calm in Your Homeschool

I recently read the book, Homeschooling Gifted and Advanced Learners by Cindy West.    Lots of great stuff in there.  Perhaps my biggest takeaway was her advice regarding creative children.  She advised to include your creative child when making plans.  Let them play a part in the planning process

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Lists, Schedules, and Plans… Oh my!

Some kids love being given a list or a schedule, and will diligently AND happily go along with your plans.  Some will not.  Especially, if they are creative.  This has been a dilemma for us since the beginning of our homeschool. When you have an outside the box kid, you may need to approach things differently.

I’ll be honest, I read Cindy’s book a few months ago and haven’t implemented the “include your creative kid when creating plans” idea yet.

However this past week, I was creating a “to do” list for myself.  Actually, in an effort to tame the technological beast, I was just moving said list from my phone to a pen and paper checklist I could tape to the fridge and not have to rely on my phone as much.  (Because, inevitably when I go to check my list, I end up distracted and forgetting why I got on my phone in the first place!) 

I digress.  As I was making my list, I thought for the kids’ writing assignment that day, they could make their own lists and design them to their liking.   They obliged and enjoyed it! 

For my creative child, there were pictures and colors.  And laminating.

There was also pushback after this list was done and taped to the fridge.

Creative Compromise or Big Mistake

For the first few days of using the list (which BTW were the same core tasks that already had to be completed every day – but at MY prompting), there was unhappiness and even some anxiety.  I wondered if I had made a mistake.   I mean the list was pretty long.  Maybe we bit off more than we could chew.

But on day 3, low and behold I heard the words, “I like the list.”

GASP!

SUCCESS!

And can I just say it’s been amazing not to need to nag?  It’s been delightful actually.

The novelty may eventually wear off, and that’s ok.  The point is to remember to bring my creative child into the planning process.  And also to remember that sometimes the kids who hate structure the most, still want/need it.  Their structure may just look different than we think it should.

How do you work with your creative child to create more calm?

 

Photo by Skitterphoto from Pexels

 

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Homeschooling a Creative Child

Life with a creative child (or person for that matter) is never dull.  You never can be sure what the day will hold. What story will be written, worksheet created (for a younger sibling of course), song composed, toy invented (Armless dolls made from toilet paper rolls?!  Check!), imaginary story acted out, kitchen creations baked and the list goes on…

Creativity: The Early Years

As a young girl, my daughter and oldest child (now age 10), had a strong dislike for coloring.  This was concerning to me as all of her peers showed interest in coloring.  If I could’ve looked into the near future at that point those concerns would’ve been washed away.

Around the age of 5 or 6, she started drawing 15-20 pictures a day.  It honestly was a little overwhelming. There were drawings everywhere.   And these drawings were intricate.  Incredibly detailed.  As a sentimental person, I felt like it was my motherly duty to save everything.  I wanted my little girl to have those mementos for when she got older.  And we still do have a few loads of folders of drawings in our basement somewhere.   Her “drawing sprees” make sense me to me now as I believe her strongest multiple intelligence is picture smart.

I won’t even delve into what her bedroom is like.  As someone who feels a bit panicked around clutter, let’s just say I wouldn’t consider her bedroom a sanctuary. Though she does, and I realize that’s what’s important.   Thankfully after a lot of trial and error (and advice from a friend who is very similar to my daughter), we’ve got a system that is working for now.  A compromise that has worked for both of us.  But I’ll save that for another post.  😊

A Need to Create

Somewhere along the line, I began to understand creative “types” a little more, which has helped tremendously.  They create because they need to create.  All of those ideas are looming in their brain and they have to get them out.  It’s not about creating something utilitarian(though it could be at times), but simply about the act of creating.  An expression of what is going on in their brains.

I have personally experienced this and contemplated it as I have started this blog.  Though not nearly as creative as my daughter, I have lots of thoughts roaming around in my own head and writing them out has been therapeutic for me (even if no one else were to read them!).  It frees the clutter from my brain.

Coming to this understanding has been freeing in regards to my daughter because I now realize I don’t need to save ALL of her “creations”.   Certainly, I will save some.  But she isn’t creating for others to see but simply to fill her need to create.  Therefore, I can now go through the “stack” on a daily or weekly basis and save a few of her best drawings/creations.   With no more mom guilt!

Homeschooling a Creative Child

Homeschooling her has gotten easier too, as I’ve learned to work with her creative ways.  Note: This is an art and not a science!  One of the biggest things I’ve learned is that if she’s in her “creative zone”, it will work best if I let her finish what she’s doing before moving on to something else.  This does not work with a super scheduled day, so while I try to keep a general routine, we do maintain flexibility in our homeschooling.  This is essential for everyone’s sanity!

Compromising with my creative child is also key to having a more successful homeschool.  So, compromise AND flexibility are both essential!

As much as it can be tricky homeschooling a creative child, it is also a joy.  Every day brings something new!

Are you a creative person or do you have a creative child?  Please comment with any thoughts/insights you’d like to share!

 

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How We Became “Outside the Box Learners”?

Isn’t it funny how so often things in life come about from what DOESN’T work? We can make plans but must adjust if we are hitting a wall.  

Homeschooling Outside the Box Was Not the Original Plan

I did not set out to be “outside the box” in regards to homeschooling my kids. I’m a planner and there are plenty of well-planned out homeschool curriculums. I would prefer to be using one of those lovely well planned out curriculums. I’m a list person. A box checker. I prefer to have my plan and stick to it. However a lot of methods that SHOULD work and DO work for most families, simply are the not the best way of learning in our home.

We have a wall hanging in our school rooms that says “Mistakes are lessons inside out.“ I had it custom-made for my daughter – to remind her it’s OK and NECESSARY to make mistakes! It’s part of the learning process!

Our family has come around to this “outside the box” approach to learning in an inside-out way. And it has been downright frustrating for me at times. There have been tears shed by more than one person…..including myself! And definitely more than once!

And the truth of the matter is my kids did not become “outside the box learners”. They always were. It just took me a few years and to catch on and have the confidence to do things in less conventional ways.

Finding What Works With Our Outside the Box Learners

After years of trying things that “should have” worked, I’ve learned to follow my kids’ lead more. Sometimes that means stopping what we’re doing, and continuing at night while drinking hot chocolate after younger siblings have gone to bed. Sometimes
it means switching between different types of math curriculum throughout the year. Often it means checking out loads of books at the library on whatever is interesting to them that week…..or decade! For my creative child, it frequently means letting her get her inventive ideas out of her head in the morning so she can more fully focus on her work later in the day.

Ultimately it means letting go of the idea of doing “school at home” (as a former 4th-grade teacher this is hard for me!) and remembering one of the beautiful things about homeschool is the flexibility it offers. This attitude/philosophy is a work in progress for me. I have certainly not arrived. And I am too much of a list/plan person to let all routine go to the wayside. I do have things I expect my kids to accomplish each day.

However, every day I also try to give them time to create, imagine, play and read. And the great thing is, when we’re in the rhythm of this, it doesn’t feel like school. It’s enjoyable and there’s plenty of learning happening. Just not the way I expected it to.

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Taking the first step

mlk-faith-quoteI’ll admit, I’m kind of scared terrified to start a blog that’s for more than my family to read.  It’s insanely more comfortable to have ideas and thoughts swirling around in my head than to share them in the blogosphere!  However “Necessity is the mother of invention”, and in this case necessity was me needing an outlet to share, encourage, and help…. and the invention is this blog!  I’m excited to share our home school adventures and write about a few other things too.  Welcome!

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